Thankfully, I think, the answer is often yes. When I want their bodies, they’re sometimes willing to hold them against me. But now I’m wondering, is that all there is?
I’m whining about something which I think will probably make a lot of gays say “so what?”. For many around me the casual hookup is the dream. I mean, I’m not knocking it, I’ve enjoyed my fair share of them and regularly accept the rush it affords as one of life’s ultimate experiences.
Why then, does it bother me sometimes when the hookup is as far as it goes? I’ll tell you – it’s when there was an expectation.
I went on a lovely date last weekend with arguably one of the most attractive men I’ve ever met. I mean god damn, this boy is everyone’s type. The date was good, albeit a bit awkward because we share an ex and now a friendship group as well, and then there’s the fact that I’m socially inept and not equipped to be left alone with someone that looks so damn fine. Anyway, I won’t bore anyone with the details, but it lasted many hours and spanned over three locations. The next evening he invited me over for dinner after I left my long ass shift at the hospital and I got to experience even more of his gorgeous self than the previous day. Then as if out of nowhere, it kinda fizzled…
I barely heard from him Tuesday through Friday afternoon. He was hosting our weekly Drag Race viewing on Friday evening so I mean I had to see him there. I arrived, we all drank and ate and collectively yelled at the TV when Shangela was snubbed. We drank some more and then went to a local club – more on the horrible straight homophobia at our prestige gay venue that night in a later post – and then things got interesting.
He kissed me a few times in front of all our friends, I only initiated some of the make-outs, bought me a drink and I ended up spending the night in his bed. It was a really nice time. I left his place yesterday morning and haven’t heard from him since. It’s been a week, and I’m reading too much into this and it shouldn’t bother me this much already, but it does.
It does because I can read people pretty well, and I think there’s some crazy sexual chemistry between us, but I think that may be all there is. And also because going on dates and a purely physical relationship are not things that go together in my book. I keep them separate exactly because I know that my little romantic heart can’t deal with them at the same time.
This is also too close on the heals of last year’s two big emotional blows, both of which I’ve written about already.
Now, at the same time that I’m kinda sad that it’s turning out this way, I have two other feelings about it. He’s so hot. So hot that I’m kind of just filled with pride that he was even willing to have me stay over. The other thought is that I simply can’t be in a relationship – I just don’t know how to do it anymore and I’m absolutely terrified of them now.
Anyway, I didn’t know where this post was going to end when I started, but this seems as good a place as any. Here’s to hoping I become better at “humaning” asap.