Everything is pretty much much of a muchness when you’re in a precoital state, moments before it happens. Things are also not too clear or important while you’re in a coital state – that is, your thoughts are pretty much filled with only one subject, right?

Postcoital, now that’s when the situation gets sticky.

The only time you really want to spend the night after the deed is done, is when you’re in some sort of relationship, or when you’re a tiny bit intoxicated and getting home after hooking up with this random that you met at the club hours earlier might actually be potentially life threatening. I mean, who in their right mind is actually keen on sleeping over if the whole point was just to get your rocks off? Not me.

For some reason, I find the exact type of guy who wants me to spend the night. Thank goodness they can’t force themselves into my house and move in there for a bit – the first time I’ve been glad to still live with my folks.

So I’m continuously in this awkward situation where I either have to suck it up and endure hours of unsolicited cuddling and spooning, or try be creative on the spot and make up a feasible reason to get the hell outa there. I said continuously, maybe that gives the wrong idea, it happens to me the average amount of times, not hundreds of times a month, I’m not nearly enough of a catch to get that many people to even invite me to their place.

So in this postcoital pressure cooker you have mere moments to make a decision. If you do indeed decide that staying over isn’t the worst idea ever, just wait until the next morning. This person you had every intention of never seeing again and probably forgetting about for the most part, might get it in their head to make you breakfast. I like bacon, sure, make me breakfast. Do not however, try to get in the shower with me. I’m washing last night off me, I don’t want to make it worse. It’s daytime, it’s light out, my conscience can’t take a backseat when I’m sober and I have a whole day ahead of me.

The best way to avoid all of this is probably to become celibate until a sustainable relationship prevents itself. But I still need love, I’m just a man.