I’ve spent my entire gay life as a non-scener, someone that doesn’t go to gay bars, clubs, pride parades and the like regularly. I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be one of those sceners, what it would be like to hang with my fellow gay guys and just be comfortable in my own skin and my own community. Somehow, every time I come close, it blows up in my face and I’m left feeling meh.
There’s something that happens to me when I’m in a room with a bunch of gay guys. I feel small and, as my ex boyfriend so eloquently described me, underwhelming. I’m not a gym bunny or a bear or a rich older man or a teenager that everyone is scrambling to get drunk and in bed. I’m kind of nothing in the gay world right now. I’m a student with a pretty normal, average body, alright hair and nothing else of particular note. I mean I’m pretty tall, but even that seems to not be in at the moment.
Have I passed my prime, or will the attention come back if I just change everything about myself? Or should I just wait until I graduate and can tell people I’m a doctor? That seems a bit pretentious but maybe worth a try and then worth the wait.
The essence of this post is really something that I think every gay man -and probably some of you others but this blog is aimed at gay men – experiences, maybe more often that we’d like to admit to anyone, even ourselves. We feel inadequate. We feel like we’re never attractive enough, fit enough, rich enough, stylish enough, extra enough, or too extra, too fat, too skinny, too boring, too tall, too short and the list just goes on, doesn’t it? I wish I could complain about this and be super unique and could cry about how no one understands. the reality is that it bothers so many people that reading this is probably boring, you’ve seen this all before, just like I have.
I find it incredibly protective to my self worth and image to just be a non-scener. Let’s just stay away from our triggers and become hermits that stay home and have pizza while watching series and smoking cigarettes and drinking wine. More than anything, let’s avoid going to gay venues and running into specific people that make us feel shitty. Fuck those guys.