Ennui

No that’s not an error. This post is about ennui, about Weltschmerz. That feeling of boredom with life and the world and your situation, the one that you can’t shake and that doesn’t seem to stem from anywhere specific.

Before you ask, no, I’m not depressed, I’m not even sad. I’m just a little disheartened maybe. Perhaps it’s just a world weariness from being caught up in the same kind of thing over and over. Just scroll back and you’ll see that not only is the same thing happening to me – or am I just doing the same thing over and over? -, but I’m sure I’ve written about having a similar kind of feeling before. Let me just apologise again right now, before you’ve read the whole thing – I promised more of an anecdote this time round, but nothing’s really happened since this morning, maybe I’ll intersperse this post with some real life examples, maybe not, I don’t plan these things, the words come as they please.

I’ve been listening to the new Lorde album today and it’s possible that her influence, paired with my unwillingness to study for this week’s exams has me feeling a particular sense of meh. It’s also possible that I’ve been feeling this way for a while, but that it’s been masked by other things while I mired in a weird state of being after my latest experience with feelings for a boy. I mean who really knows what brings these things to the forefront?

So, what do I do about feeling trapped in a world that is currently just not exciting? The only change I’ve made so far is writing two blog posts in one day for the first time in probably years, and to log out of Instagram. I do think social media probably plays a big role in my, and many other people’s, feeling of ennui. There’s this instant satisfaction that we have come to expect, and I think posting a picture and having hundreds of people seeing you and validating you may not be that healthy. For one thing, it’s just not real. I’ve definitely commented on this before, but that hasn’t stopped me from posting pictures, Boomerangs and meeting boys off of Grindr. I deleted that today as well,  by the way, but before you congratulate me, let’s see how long I last before I need the validarion of strangers again. Having said that, as much as a like on a post on here makes me feel good, that’s not what my blog is for – this is a pretty anonymous platform for me to vent in a semi-intellectual space, Instagram and Grindr are all about physicality and superficial ideals that I don’t necessarily fulfill, but that the gay community above all others kind of forces upon me and everyone else.

Did I lose my point somewhere in the jumble about social media, or does that jumble of seemingly irrelevant commentary just mirror what’s happening online and in our collective millennial psyche? I am a proud millennial by the way, I am in no way writing about how incorrectly we’re living our lives or how we seem to be screwing up everything the generations before us built up, go read something that still prints physical copies if that’s what you’re looking for.

Maybe I just need a break from spaces where I can see that people are doing more exciting things than I am – not just celebrities and heiresses but people I used to know. Isn’t it utterly annoying to see what people are up to when you haven’t spoken to them in years or maybe even ever, but you know everything about them?

Maybe I just need to transition fully from being a teenager to an adult. This is difficult, I’m still studying at 24. I’ve never had a real job or any responsibility and my parents still pay for everything, even though I’ve moved out of their house. Do you ever find yourself thinking about what you want your future-self to be like only to realise that many of these future-self goals are actually completely possible right now?

My future self has to be healthier, nicer and happier. Healthier? I buy my own groceries and cook my own food. I have a gym membership and can make my own decisions about what I order at restaurants. I still make the wrong choices and excuses to not go to gym. Nicer? I make snarky remarks and speak in sarcastic comments, mostly not intended to do harm or be hurtful, but I’m well aware that with just a bit of effort I could be nicer. When in my future exactly am I planning to start trying? Happier? Like I mentioned, I’m not unhappy, I’m just not reaching my goals in life and that makes me anxious.

Making an active decision to be all the things you want to be is probably the best thing to do. Maybe I should read one of those self empowerment books that I always pull faces at the thought of, or maybe I should just make an effort and change small things one at a time until I’m satisfied. Or maybe, in true twenty-something fashion, I’m doomed to feel ennui regardless of what U do, until I’m older and wiser.

 

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Internalizing

I feel like the subject of my most recent post has just been in my face and in my thoughts ever since I wrote it. It’s inescapable and it comes up when I see my couple-friends and even when I don’t, by way of social media in its many forms.

I saw them again this weekend, obviously, we’re good friends. After pre-gaming we went to a local hangout, where we ran into the fuckboy again. I mean, it’s not that unexpected or even as much of an issue as it would have been some time ago. We’re civil, and as I told his bestie while super drunk, and most likely completely against her will, that’s all we need. There was a bit more to this story, but that’s not what this post is about.

Honestly, I’m not completely sure what this post is all about. Half the couple just mentioned to me that they were unaware of my feelings for and concerning fuckboy. I was told that I internalize. Now that made me wonder if that’s what I do. I post on here about my complete emotional instability all the time, or at least occasionally. But do I actually speak to the people in my life about what’s going on with me? I guess not.

I’m a very open person. People know a lot about me, they know what happens in my life but they very rarely know how I feel about the things that they know bout. Then it freaks me out when someone assesses me as internalizing or as sensitive or really any adjective that describes a part of me that I didn’t actively share with them. Maybe that’s why I share so much? To overload news cycle, take attention away from what I’d rather not dwell on. It’s been known to work in certain recent political campaigns both locally and abroad.

Look at me pretending that I know anything about the human psyche. Two weeks of psychiatry hasn’t really equipped me to even deal with my own issues. Dear reader, thanks for sticking around through my absolutely ridiculous self-reflection, I promise the next one will be an anecdote with some more flesh.

Peer Review: Yes or No?

I’ve always considered myself to be open to new things. I’m quite adventurous when it comes to certain things, but last night I had to draw the line.

So essentially the thing that I stopped, or rather hope that I stopped, wasn’t going to be adventurous for me, but instead would have been a heart’breaking situation. I’m sure you’re thinking: “Good on you for stopping it then, well done”. And I agree, I’m glad I stopped it. What I’m not crazy about is the fact that I felt the need to.

Long story short, there was this fuckboy that I developed feelings for, like strong ones in a short period of time and it ended a couple of months ago. Said fuckboy was introduced to me by two friends of mine, a couple. This couple is in an open relationship of sorts and we’ve experimented with each other – all for science of course.

Remember the fuckboy? Well he’s rather gorgeous and as much as my feelings for him have waned, I do still have a weird little place for him in my heart. Ew, if anyone ever asks, I don’t have one of those and feelings are for losers, kay? Anyway, I saw fuckboy for the first time in about three months last night, along with my science partners and other friends. Of course, as soon as this beautiful man arrives, my subjects of investigation wander off with him. He’s mighty fine, they’re mighty into research and I got mighty jealous and maybe a little bit sad.  I went off to find another friend to see if my feelings were justified, she of course, being as amazing as she is, said they were and told me to speak to the instigator of all forays into science.

I spoke to him and it was uncomfortable. Picture telling someone just how much you were hurt by their friend, for the sole purpose of asking them to not sleep with him, but at the same time telling them to tell you immediately if it were to happen, just so you can torture yourself over it for months to come if it ever did happen. He did tell me that he’d respect my wishes, even though he thought stuff like that doesn’t bother me – he clearly has never read any of my posts.

Well, I guess we’ll see what happens. At least cards are all on the table, but hopefully fuckboy wont be.