I’m sad today, and my two avid readers may know that I like to wallow in my sadness for a bit. This is likely because I enjoy coming back out of the sadness and into the light – there’s no better feeling. That probably says a lot about me, but right now I’m not keen to listen to what it has to say about me.

This week I went to my friend’s book launch and I was intending to write about how inspiring it was and how beautiful she is as a strong, young author, brave enough to openly write about all the pain and heartbreak she’s been through. Instead, on Thursday, minding my own business, I found out that the guy I’d been seeing made out with one of my friends last weekend while I was in bed, getting some sleep on before my shift in the paediatric ward the next morning.

The Saturday Dr Body came over and told me my friend had quite the night at the gay club the previous night. I asked him about the hot gossip. Anyone I would know? No, just some boys I didn’t know. He must have forgotten that they swapped saliva – he admitted to it very quickly and was very sorry when I asked him about it after a lunch where a friend asked me if I was okay with it. No. I was not. We may not have been exclusive, but friends are off limits early in a new relationship aren’t they? And lying to my face is ALWAYS a no go.

So Friday early evening a friend came over to console me with snacks and wine. After I told him the story, he proceeded to actually breaking my heart. He too, had made out with Dr Body. On my birthday. On my couch. While I was sleeping off the celebrations.  In. My. Own. House.

And also kept it from me. For over a month.

Now, this isn’t good for my self-esteem. And it’s not good for us as a community. There is no trust. Only tears and anger. Only lies and filth.


Would You Hold It Against Me?

Thankfully, I think, the answer is often yes. When I want their bodies, they’re sometimes willing to hold them against me. But now I’m wondering, is that all there is?

I’m whining about something which I think will probably make a lot of gays say “so what?”. For many around me the casual hookup is the dream. I mean, I’m not knocking it, I’ve enjoyed my fair share of them and regularly accept the rush it affords as one of life’s ultimate experiences.

Why then, does it bother me sometimes when the hookup is as far as it goes? I’ll tell you – it’s when there was an expectation.

I went on a lovely date last weekend with arguably one of the most attractive men I’ve ever met. I mean god damn, this boy is everyone’s type. The date was good, albeit a bit awkward because we share an ex and now a friendship group as well, and then there’s the fact that I’m socially inept and not equipped to be left alone with someone that looks so damn fine. Anyway, I won’t bore anyone with the details, but it lasted many hours and spanned over three locations. The next evening he invited me over for dinner after I left my long ass shift at the hospital and I got to experience even more of his gorgeous self than the previous day. Then as if out of nowhere, it kinda fizzled…

I barely heard from him Tuesday through Friday afternoon. He was hosting our weekly Drag Race viewing on Friday evening so I mean I had to see him there. I arrived, we all drank and ate and collectively yelled at the TV when Shangela was snubbed. We drank some more and then went to a local club – more on the horrible straight homophobia at our prestige gay venue that night in a later post – and then things got interesting.

He kissed me a few times in front of all our friends, I only initiated some of the make-outs, bought me a drink and I ended up spending the night in his bed. It was a really nice time. I left his place yesterday morning and haven’t heard from him since. It’s been a week, and I’m reading too much into this and it shouldn’t bother me this much already, but it does.

It does because I can read people pretty well, and I think there’s some crazy sexual chemistry between us, but I think that may be all there is. And also because going on dates and a purely physical relationship are not things that go together in my book. I keep them separate exactly because I know that my little romantic heart can’t deal with them at the same time.

This is also too close on the heals of last year’s two big emotional blows, both of which I’ve written about already.

Now, at the same time that I’m kinda sad that it’s turning out this way, I have two other feelings about it. He’s so hot. So hot that I’m kind of just filled with pride that he was even willing to have me stay over. The other thought is that I simply can’t be in a relationship – I just don’t know how to do it anymore and I’m absolutely terrified of them now.

Anyway, I didn’t know where this post was going to end when I started, but this seems as good a place as any. Here’s to hoping I become better at “humaning” asap.

In The Zone

I don’t want to write about this, because inevitably someone will read it and put two and two together. Chances are if we’re friends I’ve already told you about this and you’ll know exactly what and who this is about within minutes.

The title is not an intentional Britney reference, the zone I’m in is if the less fun variety – the friend zone.

So, like most of my writing over the past few years, this post is about a boy. Yeah, another one – I meet many, none of them remain important for very long.

This boy has been in my life for a few months now and when we first met we went on two dates – he told me after the second one ended with my spending the night, that we weren’t gonna happen. He quoted timing, which is probably a bullshit story, but I was chilled with it because he was younger than me and not out to the world, something that has become somewhat of a deal breaker over the years after many experiences of having to keep things secret. Anyway, needless to say, conversation died out for a couple of weeks.

After some time, he texted me and we met for coffee. It was casual and we became friendly. Now he’s been to my place a number of times, sometimes he’ll even spend the night. He’s met a bunch of my friends.  He met my ‘open relationship’ friends and that’s when it really occurred to me – I would be super jealous if they hooked up with him. Fuck.

He’s still not really out and he’s obviously still younger than I am. This seems to be more of a background thing to me recently though. I may have caught some feels – just like a teeny bit – and they’re annoying me.

Now the age old dilemma stares me in the face. Do I say something and risk rejection (probably one of my biggest fears) or do I just continue as if nothing has changed? I’m being silly and I’m well aware of that, but I really don’t know how to be a grown up in these situations. I’m only 24 and I like to pretend I’ll still a teenager and nothing I do has consequences.

 I’m leaving town for seven weeks, starting two weeks from now. I’m kind of hoping it all sorts itself out before I get back.

Is Anything Really Forever

You know how people become different when they start dating? Sure you do. And I’m sure you’re also that person that says you’ll never change or suddenly become an “us” instead of an “I”. Your identity will never become so fused with that of another  person that you’ll be obsolete without them. I’m that guy, and I thought my best friend was as well.

If you know me, and if you do and you’re reading this let’s agree to never speak about it, then you know that I publicly have little to no feelings. Nothing really bothers me deeply and if it does it goes away quickly or gets bottled up – like any sane person would do. But this one thing has been bothering me for the past 7 months or so, ever since my forever-alone bestie was suddenly no longer forever alone, but madly in love with someone who I’m not really allowed to hang out with.

She always told me how she hates when people suddenly lose themselves in relationships and shirk all other interpersonal responsibilities, but here we are months later and suddenly with the most superficial relationship ever. I hate it, but I can’t confront her about it, because last time I tried, she turned it all on me and made the Villain. It speaks volumes that this came as no surprise.

I feel like this whole blog is me complaining. Woe is me, right? Anyway, I won’t complain too much more in this post. I guess I was just wondering if this is normal. Do you get rid of your friends when your new boyfriend is too insecure to let you hang out with your gay best friend? Or is it okay that, when you’re suddenly in a happy relationship, you leave everyone else behind to fend for themselves?


Peer Review: Yes or No?

I’ve always considered myself to be open to new things. I’m quite adventurous when it comes to certain things, but last night I had to draw the line.

So essentially the thing that I stopped, or rather hope that I stopped, wasn’t going to be adventurous for me, but instead would have been a heart’breaking situation. I’m sure you’re thinking: “Good on you for stopping it then, well done”. And I agree, I’m glad I stopped it. What I’m not crazy about is the fact that I felt the need to.

Long story short, there was this fuckboy that I developed feelings for, like strong ones in a short period of time and it ended a couple of months ago. Said fuckboy was introduced to me by two friends of mine, a couple. This couple is in an open relationship of sorts and we’ve experimented with each other – all for science of course.

Remember the fuckboy? Well he’s rather gorgeous and as much as my feelings for him have waned, I do still have a weird little place for him in my heart. Ew, if anyone ever asks, I don’t have one of those and feelings are for losers, kay? Anyway, I saw fuckboy for the first time in about three months last night, along with my science partners and other friends. Of course, as soon as this beautiful man arrives, my subjects of investigation wander off with him. He’s mighty fine, they’re mighty into research and I got mighty jealous and maybe a little bit sad.  I went off to find another friend to see if my feelings were justified, she of course, being as amazing as she is, said they were and told me to speak to the instigator of all forays into science.

I spoke to him and it was uncomfortable. Picture telling someone just how much you were hurt by their friend, for the sole purpose of asking them to not sleep with him, but at the same time telling them to tell you immediately if it were to happen, just so you can torture yourself over it for months to come if it ever did happen. He did tell me that he’d respect my wishes, even though he thought stuff like that doesn’t bother me – he clearly has never read any of my posts.

Well, I guess we’ll see what happens. At least cards are all on the table, but hopefully fuckboy wont be.


To Fuckboy or not to Fuckboy …

The title really does say it all, but I guess I’ll fill up this post with some more meat. Punny.

Recently I got involved with a guy who I knew was a fuckboy from the get go. We banged on the first night after both having made out with multiple other guys in front of each other. So maybe I’m not painting myself in the best light here either. Just thinking back to that night and actually every encounter we had after that, it’s shocking that I was ever under the impression that we could be a couple.

I was kind of head over heels for this boy, he is gorgeous and charming, but most of them are. He didn’t treat me particularly well, but maybe that’s kind of what was great about it – he wasn’t trying very hard. He wasn’t clingy or annoyed that I didn’t text all the time. Jokes, I actually did most of the initiation when it came to texting or doing things, I think he invited me to do things maybe three times. One of those times was a dinner at his house where I met two of his siblings and then spent the night, something he later said was too ‘real’ and felt too much like I was his boyfriend. He did however introduce me to his friends as his ‘boy’ the previous evening at a party. Damn, this boy really is a classic fuckboy hey.

Anyway, I’ve fallen into this FB trap before, funnily enough with a boy that made out with the most recent one only a week or two after we met, while we were out together. I make absolutely great decisions.

Some friends have decided that maybe, just maybe I might be an FB myself, which honestly I didn’t enjoy at first. I struggled with the concept at the same time that I had to struggle with just being “broken up with” by the boy mentioned above.

It took about two weeks to really get over this boy – we only hooked up for a month – but by the end of the two weeks I had also accepted being called a fuckboy myself, not because I actually think I exhibit the classic qualities, but because I think maybe we all have a little of FB in us.  And is that such a massive issue? I’ve treated boys like this one treated me, and thought nothing of it. It’s only now that I actually developed feelings and had my heart semi crushed that I realise it’s absolute bullshit. That being said though, we’re all probably just a bit broken from a previous experience or what the general gay community seems to value above all else, sex. How do we build real relationships or even casual ones when we don’t really know what’s socially okay?

The question remains, to fuckboy or not? To get with one and risk actually developing feelings even though you know it’ll end in tears, or even to be one when you risk just destroying your relationships and gaining a reputation that’s difficult to shake. There is no real answer here, and you should know by now that I never really have one, I pose questions to the world at large hoping that I’ll learn something from my own writing and maybe learn to not be the worst, by spotting the worst in myself through my experiences with others. Deep.


I’ve spent my entire gay life as a non-scener, someone that doesn’t go to gay bars, clubs, pride parades and the like regularly. I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be one of those sceners, what it would be like to hang with my fellow gay guys and just be comfortable in my own skin and my own community. Somehow, every time I come close, it blows up in my face and I’m left feeling meh.

There’s something that happens to me when I’m in a room with a bunch of gay guys. I feel small and, as my ex boyfriend so eloquently described me, underwhelming. I’m not a gym bunny or a bear or a rich older man or a teenager that everyone is scrambling to get drunk and in bed. I’m kind of nothing in the gay world right now. I’m a student with a pretty normal, average body, alright hair and nothing else of particular note. I mean I’m pretty tall, but even that seems to not be in at the moment.

Have I passed my prime, or will the attention come back if I just change everything about myself? Or should I just wait until I graduate and can tell people I’m a doctor? That seems a bit pretentious but maybe worth a try and then worth the wait.

The essence of this post is really something that I think every gay man -and probably some of you others but this blog is aimed at gay men – experiences, maybe more often that we’d like to admit to anyone, even ourselves. We feel inadequate. We feel like we’re never attractive enough, fit enough, rich enough, stylish enough, extra enough, or too extra, too fat, too skinny, too boring, too tall, too short and the list just goes on, doesn’t it? I wish I could complain about this and be super unique and could cry about how no one understands. the reality is that it bothers so many people that reading this is probably boring, you’ve seen this all before, just like I have.

I find it incredibly protective to my self worth and image to just be a non-scener. Let’s just stay away from our triggers and become hermits that stay home and have pizza while watching series and smoking cigarettes and drinking wine. More than anything, let’s avoid going to gay venues and running into specific people that make us feel shitty. Fuck those guys.


A Guy

Hello… It’s me.

I haven’t written in so long that I haven’t even had the chance to make that horrible, now outdated, reference. There it is anyway. You’re welcome.

I’m that guy and I hate it.

I met a guy on Tinder about two days after a friend of mine told me that he liked this guy. Let’s call my friend Red and the Tinder guy, well let’s call him Tinder Guy.

So Red tells me over coffee that he met a guy on Tinder that he likes, but that doesn’t like him back. Or maybe that’s not true – they work at the same company so maybe they met there but somehow Tinder came up in the conversation? I’m not sure. Anyway it’s also not true that the guy doesn’t like him – he likes Red but isn’t physically attracted to him I guess. It’s complicated, but the tone of their texts seems pretty flirty to me.

So at first Red doesn’t want to show me the guy in question or tell me anything about him because apparently I’m his type. He then eventually shows me Tinder Guy’s picture and damn, he’s pretty fine. I resolve to not actively seek out this man – that would go against the rules of friendship and I’m not that person. I’m a grownup now after all.

Two days later I match with Tinder Guy. I must have swiped right before Red told me anything. Before I even have a chance to think about it, he sends me a message. So we chat a bit, he asks for my number and we text on another popular messaging app.

Problem. I’m enjoying the conversation.

So I told Red that we’re chatting and he says it’s all good since nothing was going to happen with them anyway. I know this is bullshit though, since I know Red and I know how I would feel. At the same time I also feel like I can pursue this very attractive and rather charming (in texts at least) guy since there was never a romantic connection between him and Red. This does feel like a bit of a dilemma, but we haven’t even met for coffee, so I still need to see where this goes before I question my morality and the possibility of me being an absolutely shitty friend.

Like I said, we haven’t met. We’ve been chatting for maybe two weeks and I’m writing my reproduction block exams on Monday and Tuesday, so the timing has not been ideal for a first date. First date? Do we even date in 2016? I’ve been single for about two years, so I’m unsure how this works. I have been out with guys though, it has not been a completely dry two years, don’t feel sorry for me now.

Anyway, the idea of a first date is freaking me out a little. I’m already nervous about it even though we are yet to formally decide on a time and place.What will I wear, will I be embarrassing, do I remember how to be charming, have I ever known how to be charming?

All these thoughts and more.

Confession Time

Here I go again, into territories that are not so uncharted. I spoke previously about an ex that I was thinking of seeing again, but I swiftly and skillfully avoided reconnecting. After considering all the variables at play, I realised that I just wasn’t up for a first date with someone that I had had at least twenty dates with before.

I’m happy with my decision to let it slide. Instagram is still around, so I get to see his ever more attractive face from the comfort of my own home, without having to worry about the inevitable repeat of whatever went wrong in 2013.

I’ve been minding my own business and enjoying my break from varsity these last two weeks – no boys, not in any serious way at least. There has been some flirting with guys whose numbers I already posses, and I visited an old acquaintance two weekends ago. Other than that, just me, series and Stephen King, and friends and family of course.

Last night I got a text from a guy that I hadn’t seen in months. He told me he was bored and I suggested we go out. He said he didn’t want to, which I found odd after a text out of the blue, simply claiming to be home and bored, but whatever. I was going to let it go and continue my movie binge watching, when I got an even weirder text from him. He led with “Confession Time” and proceeded to tell me that he used to like me a little. I mean, I knew he used to like me since we went out once or twice when I also thought that I used to like him.

I’m not sure why we saw each other so few times. Actually, as I typed that last thought, I remembered. He was still hung up on someone and I was still hung up on someone else. Sometimes I wonder if I still am…

He’s two years younger than me, which isn’t usually something I’d go for, but he’s attractive. Portuguese, dark, great hair. The age thing is a bit of a problem, because he says things and sometimes maybe does things that are a bit young. Is that really an issue though? Can’t that just be fun? I’m thinking that maybe it bothered me more than it should have.

Something else that kind of irritated the crap out of me was that he would wear shorts and sneakers, Nike of course, when we went out. That’s all good and well for a daytime thing, but not when we go to drinks and a movie at night and to a nice cocktail place.

The last thing that really annoyed me about him was that my best friend didn’t like him. She met him once, for like 20 minutes, but how could I date someone that doesn’t get along with a friend. Not only would I get constant shit from this friend, but the boy could never come out with us. Even if I was the only one to know about the dislike, it would be awkward – I would have to watch fake pleasantness and, in the slightly paraphrased words of Nicki Minaj “phony bitches would  front they chum-chummy”.

Why even write about some kid who messaged me out of the blue for a quick, random and slightly awkward chat? Well, because I’m seeing him tonight. We’re going to see the movie that I was meant to go and see with the re-return from the first part of this post.

I’m unsure if he told me that he used to like me to find out if I ever liked him, which I didn’t admit to last night, or if he wanted to know if we could possibly still happen. Otherwise he may have just felt like telling me for no particular reason – simply to put it out there and let me know that those feelings are in the past.

It doesn’t matter all that much since I have no idea if I have any feelings for him somewhere hidden within. But, having said that, what if I do? I should not have agreed to and encouraged the idea of the movie tonight, but it’s the last installment in the Hunger Games franchise and I really want to see it.

So I’ve essentially set myself up for an awkward evening where neither one of us is going to know if it’s meant to end in a kiss, a hug or a business-like salute from me and a very confused wave from him.



White Noise

Last weekend I was contacted by a previous regular hookup of mine. It had been a while since I had ventured into the land of subtle lighting with anyone, so I agreed to go to his place on the Sunday evening.

Usually I would go over and we’d exchange some meaningless chatter for a few minutes, less than 30 minutes I’d say, but this time was different. This boy, he happens to be two years older than I am and taller than me but I’ll refer to him as a boy ok?, leads me to his bedroom and we both lie down. Instead of chatter he looks at me and starts telling me about the guy he had recently broken up with. I had no idea he had been seeing someone so I was shocked and didn’t have a heartfelt response ready – anyway, I had something else on my mind and was never planning on being his emotional support that night.

I felt like the right thing to do was humour him and let him tell me some things that he needed to get off his chest. It couldn’t go on for more than a few minutes, right? Wrong. He told me that he had been seeing this guy for a year and a half – this was worrying, I hadn’t even known this boy, my hookup, for that long. Of course I felt like I had to bring this up. He assured me that he only saw me when he and his long term boy were on the rocks every now and again. Is that even okay? Shouldn’t I have been informed of the situation? A simple ‘Hey, so my boyfriend and I are taking a break, you cool with that?’ isn’t too much to ask is it? This especially bothers me since I do not want to wedge myself into these things. I try to stay out of typical gay community drama as much as possible – well, unless I stand to gain something that’s really worth the drama.

So after this lovely shocker, I’m actually ready to leave and not turn back as I walk off into the moonlight. Instead, I’m kind of trapped because I’ve only been in there for about 5 minutes and my apparent new best friend wasn’t showing signs that he had any plans to either stop talking about his love life or to undress any time soon.

The chat ended up lasting about three hours, no jokes. He told me that he was in love with this guy, but he’s my age, so probably too young to understand love and that screwed it all up. I was indignant at that, but couldn’t argue about the naivety of the very early twenties. Let’s call the guy I went to see A, just to rule out some ambiguity. So A tells me that he is planning on moving into an apartment block closer to campus, I think that might have happened since I saw him actually. Not only does he ask me to help him move??? but he also mentions that his ex used to stay in this block. I assured him that all would be well since the ex had moved out, but I was also clearly very busy so I couldn’t help him move.

I don’t even really know what to say here. Clearly it’s a bad idea to move into the same building your ex used to stay in. A went to visit this ex there countless times and the ex’s brother still lives there. Lying about it working out fine was the only way for me to actually get around this topic. Telling him I couldn’t help him move… I don’t think I need to justify that.

I won’t mention specifics about the rest of this long rant that I had to sit through, I think I made my point.

What I do want to mention is how awkward it is to go over with one thing in mind and instead being told how the love of his life is no longer there. I mean, we still got around to hooking up, but what on earth is the world coming to?